


aquaphobia

by transbuck



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Anxiety, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, M/M, Nightmares, first fic in nearly 2 months!!! :D
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-17
Updated: 2019-08-17
Packaged: 2020-09-05 20:10:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,168
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20279125
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/transbuck/pseuds/transbuck
Summary: Since then, it’s been a little difficult to get near large bodies of water, to say the absolute least.It’s also been difficult to go more than a few days without a nightmare.





	aquaphobia

**Author's Note:**

> ah hewwo!! look at me, finally finishing a fic!! :D i know it's been a while, which i apologize for, but writer's block has been kicking my ASS this summer (so much for finishing fics this summer, huh?), but the trailer for season 3 dropped the other day, and i got the idea for this fic, and i decided to make myself write it so! here we are laid ease!! i'm hoping that me finishing this is a sign that i'm getting back into writing, because i'd really like to get some solid work on the pta dads au!fic before school starts back up (my first day is sep 4th!), so!!! crosses all my fingers!!  
i've changed my url on tumblr AGAIN recently, so i'm now @juliesjames! now without further ado, i hope you all enjoy!! (special shout out to the discord for encouraging me so much to write this!! love you guys with all my heart!)

Buck has a fear of water. Not in a funny, “Ha ha, my friends pushed me into the pool one time and now I pretend like I’m afraid of water now because it’s funny,” sort of way or anything. It’s in a real, genuine, “I get filled with terror when faced with large bodies of water,” kind of way. He supposes it’s a fear he’s been juggling with over a year or so now. 

It all started with that awful plane crash they were called to about a year and a half ago now—he had gotten pulled underwater and nearly drowned when trying to make sure Bobby was still safe and alive. That event created a general anxiety around water, but the fear itself didn’t spark into an actual fear until a couple months after that when they were saving a mother and a son from a sunken elevator (the pair reminded him of him and his mother, and didn’t that give him a bittersweet feeling of melancholy? But that’s neither here nor there). He nearly drowned in saving the kid from the elevator, but he’d do it again if he had to. Doesn’t mean the event didn’t give him nightmares for weeks on end and create a phobia in him that he’s embarrassed by.

Then there was the tsunami. Truly the nail on the coffin that is whatever semblance of normalcy he ever felt he had. What was supposed to be the best day he’d had in a really long time very quickly turned into one of his nightmares come to life.

He had been feeling depressed for a long time that day, physical therapy really wearing down on him both physically and emotionally. Eddie had said something just a few days earlier, when the 118 family Buck had cultivated had gone out for drinks just to hang out, that he wasn’t sure what to do for Chris after school on that particular day—apparently Chris was supposed to get out of school early that day and Eddie had nobody in his family who was able to pick him up. So, Buck had offered to do it. It’s not like he really had anything else going on that day. He had a physical therapy appointment early in the morning, and that was about it. If he has to choose between sitting at home alone and feeling sorrier and sorrier for himself and getting to pick up Christopher and spend the afternoon with him, he’d pick Christopher every time. It certainly didn’t hurt that he had a thing for the kid’s dad (he still does have a thing for him, even more so now that they’re officially dating, but that’s not the point).

After Buck had picked Christopher up, he had fully planned on just heading over to Eddie’s place to hang out for the rest of the afternoon until Eddie returned home (now that he thinks about it, Buck realizes him and Eddie have been practically dating this whole time. He has no idea how long he’s had a key to Eddie’s place, but he does know that it’s felt almost disgustingly natural). But then they passed by the Santa Monica pier, and Christopher got  _ excited _ , and honestly, Buck couldn’t blame him. The Santa Monica pier is quite exciting with all of the booths and games and prizes. Christopher had begged and begged Buck to let them spend the afternoon at the pier, and Buck finds it rather impossible to say no to that sweet face.

Now, though, he wishes that he had said no.

He’s blocked out most of what happened after that. Coping mechanisms and all that. But what he can never seem to forget is the feeling of panic, of terror, of the water surrounding him. Of water in his mouth and lungs and eyes.

Since then, it’s been a little difficult to get near large bodies of water, to say the absolute least.

It’s also been difficult to go more than a few days without a nightmare.

Buck doesn’t generally wake up from nightmares screaming. He used to, the first couple of weeks, but nowadays he wakes up with gasping, choked breaths. And that’s exactly how he wakes up today, gasping and struggling to breathe. He shoots up in bed as best he can upon being rudely awoken by a terrible, awful flashback to the day of the tsunami, worming out of Eddie’s arms to sit up against the headboard. He distantly notices that the movement must’ve woken Eddie up because he vaguely sees Eddie sitting up as well, but he’s too terrified to be able to tell if his mind’s just making that up or not. All he can feel is water everywhere, in his mouth and lungs and eyes all over again, and he’s convinced that it’s real.

“Hey, hey,” Eddie says, but he sounds far away, like he’s just above the surface of the water. The more coherent part of Buck’s mind feels Eddie sitting up and resting against the headboard next to him. He sees more than he feels Eddie’s arms around him, pulling him closer and closer until he sees his side pressed into what should be a warm, comforting body, but everything just feels freezing cold. Without even realizing it, he gets his hands around the body that he distantly recognizes to be that of his boyfriend and squeezes it close so he doesn’t feel so alone. “It’s okay, I’m here.”

“I can’t- I can’t breathe,” Buck manages to choke out, forcing himself to  _ try  _ to breathe, but it’s strangled, labored breathing that gets more panic into him than oxygen.

“Yes you can,” Eddie tells him, running his hand through Buck’s hair, and Buck leans into the touch. The part of Buck’s brain that isn’t almost overwhelmed with panic supposes Eddie must recognize what type of nightmare he’s just woken up from, because he then says, “There’s no water, baby. There’s no water.” The tiny, more put together part of his brain is grateful that he doesn’t have to vocalize what the nightmare was about. Eddie just knows. He always does.

Buck doesn’t believe him though. If there’s no water then why can’t he breathe? “I can’t- I can’t,” he starts, though he isn’t quite sure where he planned on taking that sentence. He supposes he’s really just talking to talk at this point.

“Yes you can,” Eddie repeats in a gentler voice. He reaches toward one of Buck’s hand and pries it off his side, holding the shaky palm out in front of them. “See? Feel that? No water. There’s no water anywhere, honey, I promise.”

Buck’s eyes are a little too hazy, his body feeling a little too heavy, to really be able to comprehend what Eddie’s saying. He blinks a few times to try and force himself to see what Eddie’s seeing, but it doesn’t work. All he can see is water, still. Just their bedroom, dark and submerged in water, and God he feels so cold and achey and— before his thoughts can continue, he lets out a cry, and only now does he realize that he’s had tears streaming down his face this whole time.

Distantly, he can feel Eddie leaning over him, and before he knows it, the room is bathed in a dim light. “See? Look. No water,” Eddie says quietly, and only now can Buck see the distinct lack of water in their bedroom. He still feels cold and achey and heavy and perhaps still a little suffocated, but now he knows that it’s not water that’s causing that—it’s panic. Panic and terror that’s been a near constant part of his life since the day of the tsunami. Eddie shifts to put his hands gently on Buck’s cheeks, wiping away the tears on his face with thumbs, and only now does Buck allow himself to close his eyes. He’s still got a distinct sense of terror filling him, but he tries to forces himself to comprehend the fact that there is nothing to be afraid of right now. He’s safe. He’s safe and he’s with Eddie, who’d never let anything hurt him.

“Jesus,” Buck says a few minutes later when the panic finally subsides enough to allow him to breathe. He slumps over a little, and Eddie moves to get his arms around him. Buck allows himself to be pulled in and against Eddie’s chest. “Sorry for waking you.”

“You don’t need to be sorry, my love,” Eddie insists quietly as he presses his lips to the top of Buck’s head and lets them linger there. It’s a familiar motion and a familiar set of words, something Buck’s felt and heard more times than he can count. But that somehow only adds onto the comfort they bring. Buck lets out a weary sigh when he feels one hand running up and down his back slowly. “You’re okay.”

“‘S still embarrassing,” Buck mutters, turning his head so his cheek is resting against Eddie’s chest. "I mean, who the hell is afraid of water?" he tries to joke, laughing a little but it's devoid of all signs of humor. He forces a smile onto his face as well, but it quickly drops as he sniffles and wipes away any remaining tears that are in his eyes and on his cheeks, burying himself deeper into Eddie's warm, safe arms. "It's dumb."

"It's not dumb," Eddie tells him quietly, gently running a hand through Buck's hair. Buck leans back into the touch. "You've been through something traumatic. It only makes sense that it'd leave you scared and give you nightmares. Nobody’s blaming you for that."

Buck laughs again, but this time it's bitter. Angry. "I've had enough trauma to last a lifetime," he says. "I'm done with trauma. I can't keep going through shitty things all the time. It's wearing me down."

"I'm sorry," Eddie replies, quiet and genuine and soft, and it leaves an aching feeling in Buck's chest. "I hate that this keeps happening to you. You deserve so, so much better than this, darling." 

Buck huffs out of his nose. Eddie doesn't even know the half of it. He only knows about the tsunami and the firetruck crushing his leg and the almost losing his sister. Even that feels like a lot, but it's really only a drop in the ocean that is all of Buck's traumatic, awful, painful experiences. "I just wanna be able to sleep a full night again." And isn't that the dream? Sleeping for a full eight hours. When was the last time he ever got that? He can't remember a night where he wasn't plagued by insomnia and nightmares and whatever else his brain decides to subject him to. Perhaps what he's really searching for here is to finally know what it's like to get a full night's worth of sleep.

“That’d be nice, huh?” Eddie says gently, nuzzling the top of Buck’s head in a way that leaves a warm and fuzzy feeling deep in Buck’s chest. “You up for trying to sleep again?”

It takes Buck a moment to respond. On one hand, the thought of being woken up by yet another nightmare sounds awful, but on the other, Buck’s exhausted. He had trouble falling asleep in the first place, and he’s got an early morning physical therapy appointment—he’s nearly done with physical therapy, which in and of itself is exciting, but that doesn’t mean he isn’t dreading having to be up early. Finally, he says, “Yeah I think so.”

“You sure?” Eddie asks, and Buck melts a little at how careful his voice sounds. Eddie’s always so gentle with him when he needs it, and Buck can’t even begin to explain how grateful he is for that.

“Yeah, I’m sure. Got an early morning tomorrow all that,” Buck says as he pulls away from Eddie’s arms enough to get a good look at the man himself.

“Well, if you’re sure,” Eddie says, pressing a tender kiss to Buck’s forehead before leaning over him to turn the lamp back off. It sends the briefest of feelings of anxiety flowing through him, but then he turns his focus to Eddie’s hands that are still so gentle on him, and he feels a little less anxious about the darkness. Buck takes a deep breath before getting settled back down on his side, Eddie following suit and curling around Buck’s backside. Feeling Eddie’s arms around his waist and one of his hands on his chest makes Buck feel safe and warm, and he decides to grab the hand that’s on his chest. He laces their fingers together as Eddie presses a lingering kiss to the back of his neck. “Goodnight, my love.”

“G’night, Eds,” Buck murmurs, letting his eyes fall shut. It takes him a little while to fall asleep, but when he finally does, it’s with a feeling of warmth and affection in his chest and with dreams of his loving boyfriend.


End file.
